It’s a wet Monday morning. I was lazy to get up, probably in my *Garfield Mode*. My body is like Garfield now anyways. I saw my little girl right in the middle of the bed. “ Good she’s still asleep! Better get ready before she wakes up and better yet if she will sleep through the journey to Atok’s house” I said to myself.

Dreadfully, I dragged my feet and took my shower, put on my clothes for work, did my prayers and prepared the car before we start our journey. Once everything was ready, I carried Arissa and her “Atai” (that’s what she call her bantal busuk) to the car. It was a smooth ride as she was sleeping soundly at the back seat.

When I reached my father’s place, I parked my car under the porch and saw the white front door opened. And there he was, a middle aged man, smiling waiting for his granddaughter with his golf attire. It is his routine to go for golfing on Mondays. Quickly he asked “Where’s Arissa?” . She’s asleep I said. Without hesitation, he went back into the house and prepared Arissa’s place. I went to the car and carried Arissa out. Slowly and gently I carried her into the house hoping that she will remain sleeping.

As I was about to put her on the pillow, she woke up and looked around in the dark. I have switched off the lights so that she will not wake up. She started crying after noticing that we were not in our house anymore. I cradled her and she stopped crying. I told her calmly “Baby, mama have to go to work today, you have to stay here with Atok and Oma. I will pick you up in the evening”. She understood and started crying again. I hugged her tightly, and gave her milk.

 I placed her back at her napping area and while she was drinking her milk, her eyes was set on me. She did not turn anywhere else. Probably she was making sure that I will not leave her behind. She was so happy for the past 5 days. Last week she had fever and I have decided to take leave to take care of her. I guess she got used to the idea of waking up in the morning and I will be there when she wakes up. After finishing her milk, she got up and hugged me tightly and kept saying “Mama, mama!”. I think she was telling me not to go.

After a while, her Oma decided to take her away from me so I can make my way to work. She started crying frantically and kept screaming “MAMA! MAMA!”. My heart breaks but I could not do anything as I have to go to work. I closed the door behind me and I can still hear her crying. I was trying to be strong, eventually lost and shed a tear.

I drove my car with a heavy heart. And the weather, need I remind you was not helping at all. While driving I kept thinking of Arissa. I thought about how it was like when I grew up. As far I can remember, I always had my mama by myside. She was a housewife. She stopped working when she had my third brother. I remember waking up in the morning, the first thing I will look for is her. She will give me breakfast, I will keep her company while she was hanging the clothes, cooking and etc. Basically just spent my entire day with her. Suddenly I felt this pain in my heart, for not being able to do so with my daughter.

My Cheecky Little Girl :)

I remembered when I was in primary school, the teacher asked me, what do I want to be when I grow up, I simply answered, “Housewife, teacher”. It’s not that I don’t have any other ambition, because to me family comes first. My mom had instilled that in me and I wanted to become just like her. A perfect mother and wife. Till this day, I still have that dream. I want to be able to spend time with my kids, to watch them grow in front of my eyes. Yes it may sound pathetic but this is who I am.

When I had Arissa, my whole world changed. Yes it is very overwhelming for a first time parent. Thank god I have my mother in law for the first two weeks when she I had Arissa. With minimal supervision and guidance, and with my loving husband’s support, I managed to make it through. Although I cried the first night I brought her home J. Everything is about Arissa. Even in my sleep, I’ll be dreaming of her. I can’t imagine my life without her. Now I know how my mom felt towards her children. I wished that I had been able to see this before she went away so that I can appreciate her even more.

“Arissa baby, I hope you understand. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just circumstances. I wish I could spend the whole day with you. Nothing is more fulfilling than to be with you.Even at work mama has your pictures on the board right in front of me. There is not even a minute that I am not thinkin of you.  Mama loves you sooo much and one day when you’ve become a mother, you will understand the sacrifices both me and papa have to make. I’ll pray that one day I will be able to give what Mamapah has given me to you J”

Remembering Mama

Hi Fellow Yappers...

Last week, my Hubby’s family had lost someone that is dear to their hearts. Amma Timoh was the last surviving grandma among my hubby’s grandpa’s siblings. So we went to her funeral that morning. I managed to capture the moment when we were about to start our tahlil.

Funerals always remind us of death, and it makes us wonder if our bekalan of amalan is sufficient enough. Time nilah buat kite terhenti sebentar mengejar duniawi. Peringatan that one day we ourselves will face it. When the ustaz’s was reading the “Talkin” at the funeral something that he said really hit me.

He said that every morning roh roh orang yang sudah pergi akan menunggu malaikat tiba. Dan di situ mereka akan tertanya-tanya, “adakah anak-anak aku atau sesiapa mendoakan ku wahai malaikat?”. Jikalau ada antara kita yang mendoakan si mati maka jawab malaikat “Ada wahai si polan. Anak-anakmu/si polan ada mendoakanmu” maka tersenyumlah roh tadi. Akan tetapi jikalau tiada doa dibekalkan untuk si mati maka jawab malaikat “Tiada wahai si polan. Mereka sedang tido leka tidak mendoakanmu” maka menangisla roh tadi.

This makes me realize, well I’m not perfect, tak sempurna macam manusia lain. Ada ketika memang diakui I’ve forgotten to that for arwah mama. It breaks my heart because I know when she was around, I may have hurt her but to think that now she’s gone, I am still hurting her?..that’s just heartbreaking.

I remembered the day she went away. It was in 2008, just a week before Hari Raya Aidilfitri. It was definitely the saddest day of my life. I was at the hospital that morning when the Dr looked straight at my face saying “She only has few hours left. Please call all your family members and we will make her feel as comfortable as possible”. I still relived those moments every time teringat kan dia.

Dulu masa mama ade, I’ve always takes things for granted. Slalu rasa mama will be there for those big events and important days like my wedding day, bile beranak etc. Tp Allah lagi sayangkan mama kan. Walau apepun, Alhamdulillah, sebab Allah bagi mama kekuatan mase time convo and hari bertunang. Bersyukur sangat mama ade lagi time tu

Teringat lagi mama time raya mama cakap “ B, mehla tolong mama kat dapur, blajar masak rendang”. Boleh plak time tuh jawab “Ala takpela ma, tak kahwin lagi. Nanti nak dekat kawin barulah blajar”. Mama boleh gelak jer time tuh. Skarang, sume dah terlambat, tapi Alhamdulillah, walaupun malas, semua yang mama ajar dari kecik sampai besar, insyaAllah I will remember.

Kadang-kadang sedih and jeles tgk org lain ade mak. I wish I can be like that. Sedih thinking that Arissa and Shahien will never get the chance to know and jumpe their mamapah, rase kasih sayang mamapah. She would have loved both of you just like she showered Hannah with lots of love. Tapi dah qada and qadar and kite kene redha dgn pemergiannya.

Mama, a doting grandma. Always try to spend time with her only granddaughter at that point of time

Mama there’s so many things I wish I could do with you, I want to hug and kiss you and say how much I love you and thank you for all the things you’ve done for me throughout the first 24 years of my life. Hanya doa jer yang dapat nana sedekah kan. Al- fatihah...

The woman who has given me everything

 Here's a song for mama...