A mother's dilemma

It’s a wet Monday morning. I was lazy to get up, probably in my *Garfield Mode*. My body is like Garfield now anyways. I saw my little girl right in the middle of the bed. “ Good she’s still asleep! Better get ready before she wakes up and better yet if she will sleep through the journey to Atok’s house” I said to myself.

Dreadfully, I dragged my feet and took my shower, put on my clothes for work, did my prayers and prepared the car before we start our journey. Once everything was ready, I carried Arissa and her “Atai” (that’s what she call her bantal busuk) to the car. It was a smooth ride as she was sleeping soundly at the back seat.

When I reached my father’s place, I parked my car under the porch and saw the white front door opened. And there he was, a middle aged man, smiling waiting for his granddaughter with his golf attire. It is his routine to go for golfing on Mondays. Quickly he asked “Where’s Arissa?” . She’s asleep I said. Without hesitation, he went back into the house and prepared Arissa’s place. I went to the car and carried Arissa out. Slowly and gently I carried her into the house hoping that she will remain sleeping.

As I was about to put her on the pillow, she woke up and looked around in the dark. I have switched off the lights so that she will not wake up. She started crying after noticing that we were not in our house anymore. I cradled her and she stopped crying. I told her calmly “Baby, mama have to go to work today, you have to stay here with Atok and Oma. I will pick you up in the evening”. She understood and started crying again. I hugged her tightly, and gave her milk.

 I placed her back at her napping area and while she was drinking her milk, her eyes was set on me. She did not turn anywhere else. Probably she was making sure that I will not leave her behind. She was so happy for the past 5 days. Last week she had fever and I have decided to take leave to take care of her. I guess she got used to the idea of waking up in the morning and I will be there when she wakes up. After finishing her milk, she got up and hugged me tightly and kept saying “Mama, mama!”. I think she was telling me not to go.

After a while, her Oma decided to take her away from me so I can make my way to work. She started crying frantically and kept screaming “MAMA! MAMA!”. My heart breaks but I could not do anything as I have to go to work. I closed the door behind me and I can still hear her crying. I was trying to be strong, eventually lost and shed a tear.

I drove my car with a heavy heart. And the weather, need I remind you was not helping at all. While driving I kept thinking of Arissa. I thought about how it was like when I grew up. As far I can remember, I always had my mama by myside. She was a housewife. She stopped working when she had my third brother. I remember waking up in the morning, the first thing I will look for is her. She will give me breakfast, I will keep her company while she was hanging the clothes, cooking and etc. Basically just spent my entire day with her. Suddenly I felt this pain in my heart, for not being able to do so with my daughter.

My Cheecky Little Girl :)

I remembered when I was in primary school, the teacher asked me, what do I want to be when I grow up, I simply answered, “Housewife, teacher”. It’s not that I don’t have any other ambition, because to me family comes first. My mom had instilled that in me and I wanted to become just like her. A perfect mother and wife. Till this day, I still have that dream. I want to be able to spend time with my kids, to watch them grow in front of my eyes. Yes it may sound pathetic but this is who I am.

When I had Arissa, my whole world changed. Yes it is very overwhelming for a first time parent. Thank god I have my mother in law for the first two weeks when she I had Arissa. With minimal supervision and guidance, and with my loving husband’s support, I managed to make it through. Although I cried the first night I brought her home J. Everything is about Arissa. Even in my sleep, I’ll be dreaming of her. I can’t imagine my life without her. Now I know how my mom felt towards her children. I wished that I had been able to see this before she went away so that I can appreciate her even more.

“Arissa baby, I hope you understand. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just circumstances. I wish I could spend the whole day with you. Nothing is more fulfilling than to be with you.Even at work mama has your pictures on the board right in front of me. There is not even a minute that I am not thinkin of you.  Mama loves you sooo much and one day when you’ve become a mother, you will understand the sacrifices both me and papa have to make. I’ll pray that one day I will be able to give what Mamapah has given me to you J”